The chilling wind came roaring through the soundscape of the all but abandoned Rail Transfer Station. Miles of a geometrically laid, heavy, metal vertebra stretched from this now insignificant relic in two opposite directions. Turning myself in either direction would reveal two different vanishing points.
In both directions there was a feeling of forevers that would never meet. Both directions seemed pretty much like a locked-in decision once the engines of forward movement were engaged. Both directions showed no signs of immediate or imminent danger; and with a pause for a moment to provide a deep cleansing breath, it would appear hope could be on the horizon within the choice for either direction... Or not (sorry but the station seemed more like a collision of the two directions and the remains of a deserted end of a bad decision instead of a beginning of a promise).
Standing still definitely was an option, unless hypothermia was a condition that wouldn't sooner or later rock one into the burning sleep of a frozen death. Either choice of direction needed a voice so that the decision could be reckoned with. Both directions had light and darkness ... One would be a walk against the light and sooner than later would have the sun passing behind and the movement would definitely be into the darkness. The other direction seemed to be racing to stay with the travels of the light and though darkness would be inevitable ... choice for this direction would be for the fullest day, one would be walking in the light; until it was gone.
I took that deep cleansing breath and prayed for a sign. Then there in the midst of the ruin, dead center of the point of decision, was the Voice.
At first it sounded like the wind, then a babbling brook; but as I turned to listen it's decibel level raised to that of the thunder and the roar of the oceans. Why had I not heard this before? Was it that I was too busy trying to determine which way to go and weighing the outcomes of those decisions ... Though these imagined outcomes were based on the fears of my five senses.
Now that the Voice had caught my attention it had grown so loud that there was no protection for my ears let alone my entire being; the Sound of the Voice drove me to the ground, to my knees right in the midst of the rubble of someone else's abandoned dreams. I guess I wasn't going anywhere soon.
As I knelt there the sound began to dissipate, and I was still ... So I listened... finally ... O the numbing tingling sensation was similar to that of a tap on the right nerve cluster, but it was pulsing through the very fiber of my being. This vibration of my senses felt as though I was in the mode of a death-grip decision to be quiet (it was almost as if the Voice had waited for that decision from my heart) ....So I decide to be dead still.
There was a sudden very obvious silence that was louder in my soul than all the noise prior to this moment ... So I waited, I even tried to breath in such a way that my breath made no sound. The silence was so deafening that I could hear the rhythm of my heart forcing its pulsing pressure through me, and I could sense the flow of my life giving blood moving through my veins ... I was overwhelmed with a sense of extreme helplessness before the Voice .... All I could do was wait for what may come next, so I closed my eyes ... Ready for death if that was the next event.
Then I heard the Voice saying like a song --- "I AM"; and the Word that lay dormant in soul responded in a spiritually captivating litany, and in my mind fell the questions of the Spirit.
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The LORD" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I try to rule?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The LORD thy God" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I turn to idols?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The First" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I not start with You?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Last" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I not rest in your outcome?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God not of the Dead but of the Living!"" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I search in ruins?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Bread of Life" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I ache in hunger?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Door" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I not trust You to open?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Good Shepherd" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I not follow Thee?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Son of God" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I feel misunderstood?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Resurrection" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I cleave to death?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Way" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I search for another route?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Truth" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I search in doubt?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Life" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I search for another?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Vine" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why am I so barren?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Light" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I struggle in darkness?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "The Root and offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star" --- and my mind groaned a harmony - "So why do I see darkness as the outcome of either of my decisions?"
"I AM", sang the Voice; my soul sang back "the Lord God of your Salvation" --- and my mind groaned a harmony that I did not recognize and the Spirit joined in with groanings that could not be uttered... the whole seen dissolved in a the tears that flooded my soul as I sang -
"I will take Your yoke, your burden upon me, and learn of You; for You are gentle and your heart has bowed near to me: and in You alone shall I find rest unto my soul" (Praying through Matthew 11:29)"
I learned that my dire need wasn't to know the right direction to travel; I learned that what needed most was to know You, my Lord, my God ... Jesus."
HLFA,
Jeff